2018 Aspirations: October

As I write these posts each month I find that my current situation colors what I remember about the previous month.  I try and jot down a few notes about topics I want to address but my feelings tend to be lost to the nether regions of time.  So for this month I am going to try and write the post as the month goes on.

October 10th:  After such a poetic opening paragraph I now find myself drawing a blank! The weather has cooled down and we even got some rare October rain.  I can feel myself fighting to be happy, I want to be happy but my insomnia has returned and being tired all the time is a drag.

Physically my breasts are killing me by the end of the day.  I bought some bra extenders which help a little.  I have had a little spotting here and there and lots of weepy feelings over odd things.

All I want to do is cocoon at home with books and movies and pumpkin treats but the first week of October was filled with errands and simple chores that my heart wasn’t in. I struggled through and was happy to climb into bed with my book each night. I just started “Martha’s Vineyard, Isle of Dreams”  by Susan Branch.  I kind of hate her because she is living the life I want!

I did get my mammogram done and then promptly forgot all about it.  I was surprised to get the results today, just the normal very dense tissue and lots of cysts report. Since I get a mammogram every year they have lots of comparison images so I feel good about the interpretation of the lumps.  (My mother died of breast cancer at the age of 33 so I am extra vigilant but at this stage I think my odds are the same as everyone else’s for getting breast cancer.)

I have been thinking about getting my hair dyed.  I have some “silver”, not too much but enough that I wonder if I would look younger without it.  And then today the woman who cleans my bathrooms gave me the best compliment (totally out of the blue!), she said I look younger every time she sees me!  We discussed the gray situation and I am still dithering but wow her comment really gave a nice boost to my ego.

October 17th:  The tedium and minutia of day to day life is killing me.  I barely have the energy to keep up with the basics like laundry and cooking.  My apathy is scaring me.  Why am I convinced it is so wrong to just sit for a spell and wait for this phase to pass?

Physically I feel like I am getting my period, bloated breasts, the need to eat junk when I am not the least bit hungry, weepiness, backache and low cramps. And let’s not forget a return of insomnia and leg/foot cramps.  But not a speck of bleeding.  I tell myself this is a good sign but what do I know?

October 26th:  Still feel like my body is trying to have a period, mostly with the backache  and fatigue these days.  I have had a little bit of spotting but no real period.  Emotionally I have been up and down. I wake up and do my yoga and shower and find myself thinking I feel pretty good and looking forward to the day. By 3:00p I am starting to drag, by 6:00p I am longing for bed and at 8:00p I crawl into bed with my book feeling quite apathetic.  I have been extra busy these days, just one of those stretches filled with long to-do lists and many outside activities.  I try and get a little extra sleep but it just isn’t happening.

I have the illogical feeling that if I can muddle through to the end of the year that January will find me feeling much better physically and mentally.  I know this isn’t logical.   I wonder if it is just what I need to tell myself to get through this two and a half month long marathon holiday fest?

November 3rd:  Well I got my period and now I feel much better.  Just a normal period which was a relief (I was afraid it was going to be one of those that last 3 weeks).  My skin is oily these days with a few tiny bumps on my chin, not really seen but I can feel them.  Acne at my age and with all these crazy feelings makes total sense.  Why not add as much as possible to the pot of misery?

I did a really good job with exercising, yoga and meditation this month and despite all my hormonal craziness I feel like I survived with a modicum of grace.

I figured out that night sweats were causing my insomnia.  I was just getting warm, not really hot (maybe due to the cooler weather?) but it was enough to wake me up.

On the eating front I was pretty surprised to find that I held steady at 145lbs despite eating whatever I wanted.  (Until I stepped on the scale this morning but since it is now November we won’t go there, damn Halloween!)   I really do want to go low to moderately- low carb and I am thinking about the best way to do this in a way that can be permanent.  There needs to be some flexibility but also some firm rules.  (Does that make sense?)  I am going to read “Better Than Before” by Gretchen Ruben and I am also looking at ways to use my bullet journal to keep me on track.  The Goal is to have a plan/system in place for January 7th.  Fingers crossed.

So how would I sum up October?  I learned time isn’t my problem, energy is as regards getting things done and my mood.  This includes eating healthy which takes more energy than grabbing junk.  After my two weeks of bliss in August I also feel pretty confident that once I get into actual menopause life will be better.  Fingers still crossed.

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2 thoughts on “2018 Aspirations: October

  1. It sounds like you are in the worse part of menopause, when you still get periods but you get all the symptoms of not. I have no words of wisdom but can only offer sympathy. You may very well feel better in January. I hope you do and maybe even sooner. Good job on keeping up with the yoga and meditation. You rock!

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