This is how my months are going these days.
Five or six days before the full moon my hot flashes amp up. They get more frequent and more intense, especially at night. The closer to the full moon we get the more frequently I wake up and the more trips to the bathroom I make. I used to think I was nuts but some research says otherwise. If you think about it it makes sense. The moon affects the tides why wouldn’t it also affect the liquid in my bladder? Also the closer the full moon gets the harder it gets to get back to sleep, even with my sleep mask.
And I want to eat all the time, even when I am not the least bit hungry. Stepping on the scale is a complete no-no during this week.
And then there are the very vivid and weird dreams. For instance I dreamt that I was waiting for the elevator in a building that was open on one side. The elevator was round and just an open platform, no sides or ceiling. I pushed the button and then, not paying attention, I stepped off the edge while the elevator was still one floor away. I grabbed the edge of the floor and was dangling there, trying to psych myself up to drop down but before I could the elevator started descending. I yelled for someone to push the button and that is when I woke up. Crazy!
How about one when I was playing poker but instead of cards we were using invoices and receipts. I had four tens and three sevens and thought that was a full house, but I wasn’t sure I was using the correct numbers on the papers. What in the world was I thinking about when I fell asleep?
So now the full moon is waning and we enter the cranky and weepy stage. Everything said to me I find irritating. My son, “what are you doing?”, me in the act of filling up his water bottle for school, “What does it look like I am doing? I am doing the same shit I have to do every morning”. Every slow driver makes me want to just run them over. Each tiny irritant is now the size of a mountain crushing me.
And the random crying. “The Great British Baking Show” and “The Kids Baking Championship” make me cry. They also make me want cake. After a few days of this I can’t even stand myself and once again find myself dreaming of a cabin in the mountains near a lake and complete solitude.
On the positive side my hot flashes lessen and the crazy dreams subside. But halfway through the crabby/weepy stage I find all I want to do is sleep. Bed and pajamas feel so good. I climb into bed embarrassingly early (under the guise of I am going to read). And I do read as long as I can but some nights it is lights out as early as 8:30p. And getting up in the morning? I don’t want to write about it.
And more symptoms that come and go with no discernible pattern: joint pain, itchy spot on my lower back and depression. Some days my fingers just hurt. And a few days a month I feel terribly blah. So depressed that I give myself permission to forget about chores and errands and do whatever I want and I can’t think of a single appealing thing. These days are the worst.
And then I have a few good days. I feel rested, my mind is clear and I start thinking life is good again, that normalcy has returned. I make plans.
And then the moon grows again and the whole cycle starts over. Bah.
What really baffles me is why? Why does the human body go through all this? What purpose do hot flashes serve? My only thought is we aren’t supposed to live this long and the body doesn’t know what to do. Think about it, living past child-bearing years is a relatively recent phenomenon evolutionarily speaking. For the species I have outlived my usefulness.
I want to end on a positive note but frankly one is escaping me right now. I guess I’ll go make some emergency brownies to stash in the freezer and then take a nap.