Anthems

I am not a huge music person. I listen sometimes and like a variety of genres. But I seldom know titles or group names or lyrics.

As luck would have it one day I heard two songs in a row that I had never heard before on one of the SiriusXM stations. And those have become my temporary theme songs. I feel better every time I try to sing along. 😎

“Lover, Lover” by Jerrod Niemann

And I love this one:

Forest Gumping it

I finally figured out what makes me feel better. Walking. Outside. With no destination and no time limit (except darkness).

I have begun taking an evening sabbatical. I leave the house between 4:00p and 4:30p once the sun has retreated enough to be bearable. I go over to Sabino Canyon and walk. It is not too crowded at that time and I have plenty of solitude. Sometimes I find a quiet spot to sit for awhile. Yesterday I sat near the oh so dry creek bed and listened to the wind in the cottonwood trees. The rustling of the leaves was incredibly soothing.

This has become by far my favorite part of the day. The only negative is it gets dark in a hurry here, full dark at 6:00p right now. I try to be out of the park by 5:45p because I don’t want to get eaten by a mountain lion (even though that would be an unique way to go!) and there are not any street lights anywhere.

Last night I dawdled watching an amazing sunset and found the end of my journey to be in total darkness. I did not encounter any mountain lions but there were two rather fierce looking bunnies in my path. I tried to make myself look big and scary and they scampered off, ha!

Once back in my own ‘hood I had to pause for some javelinas in the wash across the street from me. I think it will be a good idea to carry a flashlight in my pocket tonight, cause I am sure that would keep a mountain lion away 🙄.

Seriously? Seriously.

I cannot make this stuff up. In an ill-thought out plan to distract myself from a certain someone I signed up on Bumble, a weird (to me anyway) dating and friend finding app.

Not really understanding what I was doing I swiped away, looking at pictures and reading profiles. I picked a very few possibles and said hello and waited to see what happened.

I had one conversation (I don’t know what else to call it, sending messages back and forth) with a guy that I figured out right away was not a good fit. I politely told him so and hopefully he is okay with that.

And then last night I got a hello from someone I don’t even remember as an option. But he was kinda sexy looking and said he liked to cook so I asked him what he made for dinner and then I went to bed.

My insomnia is once again raging away and at 0030 I found myself awake and staring at the ceiling. After awhile I got up and checked my Bumble account and there was a reply and a question which I answered and sent him another question and he replied right away. Turns out we were both up when we would rather be asleep. We had a nice conversation. He was polite and literate and when we said good night we agreed we would talk again today.

And I got up this morning and….he had deleted his account. And I have not been able to stop laughing about it. 😂 Seriously? Seriously. What else is a girl to do?

I can’t see the forest for the trees. 🙄

So I do believe it is time to retreat from the world once again. I can’t go off-line forever but I like the idea of going computer free for a few days at a time. Really give my brain a break.

Anyone have some good songs to listen to during this insane period of my life? My favorite movie right now is “Waiting to Exhale”. Male bashing at it’s best! I will be on my third viewing later today.

What is going on with this year?

So I know I disappeared for quite awhile. I was working for the Census and when I finished (thought I finished anyway) I retreated from the world. It was hot and annoying and I swam and read and did my yoga and meditated. I ignored the outside world as much as possible. And truly, I was feeling pretty good. Sleeping through the night, content with my projects, doing a lot of healthy swimming.

And then I got a third phone call asking me to work for the Census for the last phase. I had already said no several times but M* would not give up. I had done some work for him during the second phase, loaned to him because the Subaru could tackle Summerhaven and Reddington Pass.

Against my better judgement I agreed. Here is the thing, out of nowhere I had felt this little spark for a guy I had never even met. We had talked on the phone a few times (just work stuff) so I ignored the spark. It didn’t make sense.

And then I agreed to work for him and we met in person. And yes there was a little chemistry, which I continued to ignore. It still didn’t make any sense and I wasn’t looking for anything.

And then he started flirting with me. And me, being completely clueless didn’t even pick up on it right away. I had to ask a friend, is this flirting? Yup, it was. And we became friends. Just friends but there was a lot of chemistry between us. We talked about becoming friendlier but I wasn’t ready and he wasn’t in a good spot. We talked a little about the future but there wasn’t any rush.

And then he sent me an email and said he didn’t want to be friends anymore, not to contact him and he was sorry he “disrupted my life”. And that is the end of that.

Of course being a female I am finding it impossible to figure out exactly how I feel about all this. It is a rollercoaster of feeling incredibly stupid for not recognizing him for the asshole he obviously is, hurt and rejected, baffled by what game he was playing and furious because I had finally gotten to a good place and that is gone. For now.

Mostly I am pissed that I keep thinking about him because I damn well know he isn’t thinking about me. But each day gets a little easier. I resume more of my old tasks and think about him less. I find watching “NCIS” the one distraction I can count on. I signed up for another writing class in November.

Life goes on. And I have to believe that karma will give him the payback that he deserves at some point. In the meantime I am thinking all these feelings may help with my writing. A silver lining somewhere, right?

Listen

 
I disappear into the woods
Into Solitude
Into Silence
 
I need to
Soothe my Battered and Bruised heart
 
I step Warily
Gingerly
Long pauses
 
I listen
 
The Crackle of dry pine needles
The Clunk of a rock
The Crunch of a pinecone
 
I hesitate, listen harder
The wind tickles the aspens
Creating a smattering of applause
 
The wind dies
And then I hear it
The Tears pouring from my Heart.
 

“All the Devils are Here”

So often I find quotes in Louise Penny’s novels that perfectly fit a moment in my life.

“What are you going to focus on? What’s unfair or all the wonderful things that happen? Both are true, both are real. Both need to be accepted. But which carries more weight with you? The terrible or the wonderful? The goodness or the cruelty? Your life will be decided by that choice.”

Your Mistake

No phones, No clocks
Just you, me, a bed
Soon, no clothes
 
I unbutton your shirt,
Run my fingernails lightly
Across your chest
 
A trail of tiny kisses
From nipple to nipple
A flick of the tongue 
 
You thrust your hands 
Into my hair
A small groan escapes
 
I feel you stiffen against my leg
As liquid heat floods
My center
 
I moan and reach greedily
For your mouth with mine
 
All imagination of course
You flirt, you tease
But don’t touch
 
I rollercoaster between 
hope
frustration
need
want
resignation
despair
 
And then I give up
Walk away
Relieved the torment is over
 
Yet cry myself to sleep