What is going on with this year?

So I know I disappeared for quite awhile. I was working for the Census and when I finished (thought I finished anyway) I retreated from the world. It was hot and annoying and I swam and read and did my yoga and meditated. I ignored the outside world as much as possible. And truly, I was feeling pretty good. Sleeping through the night, content with my projects, doing a lot of healthy swimming.

And then I got a third phone call asking me to work for the Census for the last phase. I had already said no several times but M* would not give up. I had done some work for him during the second phase, loaned to him because the Subaru could tackle Summerhaven and Reddington Pass.

Against my better judgement I agreed. Here is the thing, out of nowhere I had felt this little spark for a guy I had never even met. We had talked on the phone a few times (just work stuff) so I ignored the spark. It didn’t make sense.

And then I agreed to work for him and we met in person. And yes there was a little chemistry, which I continued to ignore. It still didn’t make any sense and I wasn’t looking for anything.

And then he started flirting with me. And me, being completely clueless didn’t even pick up on it right away. I had to ask a friend, is this flirting? Yup, it was. And we became friends. Just friends but there was a lot of chemistry between us. We talked about becoming friendlier but I wasn’t ready and he wasn’t in a good spot. We talked a little about the future but there wasn’t any rush.

And then he sent me an email and said he didn’t want to be friends anymore, not to contact him and he was sorry he “disrupted my life”. And that is the end of that.

Of course being a female I am finding it impossible to figure out exactly how I feel about all this. It is a rollercoaster of feeling incredibly stupid for not recognizing him for the asshole he obviously is, hurt and rejected, baffled by what game he was playing and furious because I had finally gotten to a good place and that is gone. For now.

Mostly I am pissed that I keep thinking about him because I damn well know he isn’t thinking about me. But each day gets a little easier. I resume more of my old tasks and think about him less. I find watching “NCIS” the one distraction I can count on. I signed up for another writing class in November.

Life goes on. And I have to believe that karma will give him the payback that he deserves at some point. In the meantime I am thinking all these feelings may help with my writing. A silver lining somewhere, right?

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