Two Weeks In

Two weeks into the low carb way of eating and how I do love thee? I am not sure. I was shocked at how good I felt emotionally, even with my impending period at the end of the first week. I was starting to sleep better and slightly more energetic. And then week two smacked me right down with something; part head cold, part just plain tired and achy. The addition of a heavy period was not helpful. (Something is going around this area big time, it’s not just me feeling sick.)

I was tempted to put low carb aside for a few days. I really wanted orange juice and saltines, two foods I don’t normally crave. Instead I made soup and tried to nap once in awhile. It was a very long week though.

Now I am just going to share a few things I have learned:

  1. I do not like anything with Sucralose in it. I was all excited to find so many flavors of Quest bars and then when I got home I realized many of them had Sucralose. I am still on the fence about Stevia, I mostly avoid that too. I bought some erythritol (a sugar alcohol) and having been using that the few times I need a sweetener.
  2. You would think almond flour would be almond flour and net carbs would be the same regardless of brand. Apparently not. I found a great low carb pancake recipe (and they do taste yummy) but there was a lot of debate about the amount of carbs in them. So I started looking at the carb count of different almond flours and Trader Joe’s wins. Bob’s Red Mill almond flour (not meal) has 4g of net carbs per two tablespoons while Trader Joe’s brand has only 1g. I checked the ingredient lists and both just have blanched almonds. It is a puzzler.
  3. Mashed cauliflower tastes/feels (in your mouth) nothing like mashed potatoes. But cauliflower rice passes the pretend test for me.
  4. Eating out is not as hard as I thought it would be. But I do feel sad about french fries.
  5. Fat bombs are disgusting. I now avoid any recipe that calls for more than a tablespoon or two of coconut oil.
  6. Frank’s Hot Sauce (not the Wing sauce) is the bomb! I put it on eggs, in soups and of course on chicken. Perks everything up. For my cold I made chicken soup with homemade chicken broth from the freezer, cooked chicken from Trader Joe’s, grated zucchini and riced cauliflower. I threw in a handful of spices and a few good splashes of Frank’s, just what my sinuses needed and maybe 3g net carbs for a big bowl of soup.
  7. Keto bread isn’t bad, tastes okay just have to get used to a slightly different texture. (Photo is above.)

And now we are in week three. Part of me is ready to give in but I know it is just fatigue from my cold and an overly long period. Dinner is planned: grilled chicken, cauliflower rice and salad. And maybe I will treat myself to an apple. It seems silly to give up apples. Maybe I can do 30g of net carbs plus one apple a day? My life, my rules and I need to do what works for me, not live by a somewhat arbitrary number. We’ll see what happens.

Almond, hazelnut shortbread cookie.  2g net carbs apiece. (I over baked these a little, oops. Thinking I may sub a little cocoa powder next time, doesn’t that sound yummy!)

2018 Summary + 2019 Plans

I am always a bit behind the rest of the world at the start of the year as we celebrate through Epiphany which is the 6th of January. So as I write this on the 9th my house is in transition from Christmas to winter with half filled totes and piles of decorations scattered throughout. I have “officially” started on my 2019 goals this week which means I need to finish with 2018!

2018

My aspirations of 2018 were simple: be healthier and be happier. Since I had such vague goals I had vague results. But I do feel like I learned a lot and made progress. Habits I am keeping include meditation, taking calcium, psyllium husk and melatonin and going low carb.

I feel like most of my unhappiness is directly related to sleep and energy issues. Due to impending menopause I only have so much control (if any!) over these two areas. The melatonin and calcium do help with sleep and hot flashes.

Last August I tried my hand at eating low carb and was amazed at how good I felt. Now it may have been a hormonally timed fluke but I don’t think so. So as of 7 January I am going low carb for as long as I can handle it. Even if I don’t get a repeat of the ‘miracle in August’ everything I have read points to low carb being a much healthier way of eating with lots of benefits.

2019

For 2019 I suppose my goals remain the same, be healthier and be happier. Low carb will handle the healthier part. Be happier has more pieces.

  • This year I have made a list in my Bullet Journal: “What do I want my life to look like 1 Dec 2019?”
    • Be writing on a regular basis
    • Get my son’s room de-cluttered and redone (paint, new furniture that works better, area rug)
    • Feel content with my current life
    • De-clutter the garage
    • Have more energy (this is where the low carb comes in)
    • Do more things that make me happy and fewer things that make me unhappy

I have steps and timelines and plans on how to achieve my goals this year. I’ll start with small, steady steps. I have promised myself to reevaluate on a regular basis (which I find myself already doing!) and be open to making changes as I decide what is working and what isn’t. And I will not let myself get totally derailed by a bad day or two.

I can’t forget that just because I want to feel better and do more means that I will magically be done with the insanity of getting to menopause.

  • Another list: “What to do when I am feeling unbearably, hormonally crabby or crappy?”
    • take a nap
    • watch a comedy
    • meditate
    • stare out the window
    • whatever I damn well feel like doing!

I guess that about sums things up. Up next, my word for the year!

One of my last non-low carb meals, oatmeal on a cold morning!

2018 Aspirations: December

I wasn’t going to do a summary blog for this month.  I was thinking a ‘what I learned’ summation for the year as a whole in January would suffice.

But halfway through the month I have changed  my mind.  I am a woman so I can do that.  I wish I could say a menopausal woman but alas…

December 12th:  It has been a very unhappy start to the month.  My insomnia has gotten out of control.  After a complete meltdown concerning my son not doing a task by a set deadline I realized I needed to solve the sleep problem.   And if I couldn’t figure out how to get more sleep then I needed to make arrangements to slink off to a deserted mountain cabin until such time I could be civil to people again.

 My current insomnia type is the wake in the middle of the night variety.  I am pretty sure this is being caused by a mild hot flash.  The problem was, once awake I couldn’t get back to sleep anytime soon.  For a few nights I got up and wrapped Christmas presents which was actually kind of nice.  Very peaceful.

But then the sleep deprivation began to build and that led to pure misery.  Waking at 3:00a.m. meant it was too late to take something to help me get back to sleep.  I wanted to just start going to bed at 6:00p.m. but that doesn’t work for so many reasons.

Enter melatonin.  Of course I had heard of it but I didn’t realize I could take it long term and at a higher dosage.  Not only does it help you fall asleep but it helps you stay asleep and sleep deeper.  So I got a bottle of the 10mg dosage and started popping a pill at bedtime.  The first night I still woke up (twice I think) but I fell back asleep pretty quickly. Phew.

January 2: It was a pretty unhappy ending to the month with a few days in the middle that were bearable. Actually those days were around the 21st through Christmas. For most of the month I felt really tired, even when I did sleep and apathetic about pretty much everything, including celebrating the holidays. I muddled through in a most unsatisfactory way.

I had a fairly heavy period again in the middle of the month. Luckily the worst was over before our trip to Flagstaff. (the picture is of me attempting to tame a dinosaur at a park in Flagstaff) 🙂 I realized that the bad days are now out numbering the good and it is time to make some changes. Stay Tuned.

Nice Dinosaur

2018 Aspirations: November

(December 3rd) Here is a summary of November.  I am sure I should go back and edit but I am not going to.  I am too tired and Christmas is coming and there is so much to do.  How do you even have time to read this blog?  Aren’t you busy, busy, busy too?  Anyway, without further ado…

November 9th:  So remember my spontaneous trip to Mesa to buy a typewriter?  That was triggered by a severe bout of insomnia.  After several short sleep nights I was feeling pretty miserable and I found myself awake at 1:00a feeling a frantic need for sleep. Not very helpful and I started crying.  I felt like I was at the end of my rope.  I did get back to sleep eventually but in the morning I decided I needed to do something different.  Something a little crazy and something just for me.  So I went to Mesa and bought a typewriter.  And what do you know, I felt better and I slept great that night.

November 14th:  I am so happy with this cool weather.  I am sleeping better again but still feel tired.  And I am weepy at random times about odd things.  The clutter in the house is driving me a bit nuts and the lack of energy is killing me.  I badly want to give the house the good cleaning it needs but just don’t have the oomph needed.  Instead I try and do small tasks here and there.  Today I cleared out and rearranged the glass/mug cupboard.  A small thing that took 10 minutes but brings me a lot of joy seeing how I open that cupboard multiple times a day!

November 19th:  Insomnia is back.  I can’t get to sleep and hot flashes wake me up early.  Also getting leg/foot cramps again.  I was caught off guard with how bad I feel.  Seems the key to my goals of “Be Happier” and “Be Healthier” is sleep.  And right now there is not much I can do to improve that.

November 21st:  Well my period started without much fanfare and then got crazy heavy for 24 hours.  So heavy it kind of scared me.  Luckily I spent most of the day at home doing food prep for Thanksgiving and some ibuprofen relieved my backache and cramps.  Happy to go to bed early though.

November 27th:  I can’t believe it is almost the end of the month.  I survived my period and now am oscillating between euphoria and exhaustion.  Yikes!  

I realized I haven’t mention my “frozen shoulder” in awhile.  I am still doing my home physical therapy and I am not having any pain.  I still don’t have the full range of motion back but it is increasing.  I am hoping I only need to do the exercises another month or two. (Ha!  I can hope all I want but truly I have no idea how much longer it will take.)

November 29th:  It is almost the end of the month!  How did that happen? Since things are going to get crazy busy I thought maybe I should just finish the log today.  I am feeling uber tired but not quite sure why.  I am sleeping okay, not great, but good enough.  But I have a backache and my breasts are ballooning which makes no sense as I just had my period!  Part of me thinks it would be great to get another period soon and then probably be done for the year.  All this uncertainty about how I am going to feel and what I am going to be coping with on any given day is maddening.

On a postive note despite just eating and not thinking about it my weight is holding steady between 144 and 145.  What does this signify for the future? No idea, if you know, can you tell me?

So how to sum up November?  I haven’t gone completely off the deep end but I suspect I am close!

The In-Between Time

I always feel a little off balance this time of year.  Thanksgiving weekend is over but I am not ready to jump into Christmas.  I prefer to wait until 1  December to go all holiday.  

It is hard for me to let go of autumn, it is my favorite season.  I love the angle of the light and the smells and the leaves.  

Beautiful blue sky!

Christmas is a lot of work, a marathon of busyness.  I am already looking at what I can cut from the to-do list, scaling back the baking list and thinking about where I can trim back on the decorating.  I look at the calendar and make sure I schedule downtime, movie time, early bedtime.  

For this week I am deep breathing and sitting and contemplating.  I am focusing on how I want to feel over the next month, not what I want/need to accomplish.  I remind myself that I need to enjoy the process.  There is no sense in baking/wrapping/decorating if I am hating doing it.  I need to keep things manageable.  

I need to take care of myself.  You need to take care of yourself too.  Take some time this week to remember what is important to you.  And keep that in your thoughts as you shop, cook, wrap and decorate.

Happy last week of November everyone!                       

2018 Aspirations: October

As I write these posts each month I find that my current situation colors what I remember about the previous month.  I try and jot down a few notes about topics I want to address but my feelings tend to be lost to the nether regions of time.  So for this month I am going to try and write the post as the month goes on.

October 10th:  After such a poetic opening paragraph I now find myself drawing a blank! The weather has cooled down and we even got some rare October rain.  I can feel myself fighting to be happy, I want to be happy but my insomnia has returned and being tired all the time is a drag.

Physically my breasts are killing me by the end of the day.  I bought some bra extenders which help a little.  I have had a little spotting here and there and lots of weepy feelings over odd things.

All I want to do is cocoon at home with books and movies and pumpkin treats but the first week of October was filled with errands and simple chores that my heart wasn’t in. I struggled through and was happy to climb into bed with my book each night. I just started “Martha’s Vineyard, Isle of Dreams”  by Susan Branch.  I kind of hate her because she is living the life I want!

I did get my mammogram done and then promptly forgot all about it.  I was surprised to get the results today, just the normal very dense tissue and lots of cysts report. Since I get a mammogram every year they have lots of comparison images so I feel good about the interpretation of the lumps.  (My mother died of breast cancer at the age of 33 so I am extra vigilant but at this stage I think my odds are the same as everyone else’s for getting breast cancer.)

I have been thinking about getting my hair dyed.  I have some “silver”, not too much but enough that I wonder if I would look younger without it.  And then today the woman who cleans my bathrooms gave me the best compliment (totally out of the blue!), she said I look younger every time she sees me!  We discussed the gray situation and I am still dithering but wow her comment really gave a nice boost to my ego.

October 17th:  The tedium and minutia of day to day life is killing me.  I barely have the energy to keep up with the basics like laundry and cooking.  My apathy is scaring me.  Why am I convinced it is so wrong to just sit for a spell and wait for this phase to pass?

Physically I feel like I am getting my period, bloated breasts, the need to eat junk when I am not the least bit hungry, weepiness, backache and low cramps. And let’s not forget a return of insomnia and leg/foot cramps.  But not a speck of bleeding.  I tell myself this is a good sign but what do I know?

October 26th:  Still feel like my body is trying to have a period, mostly with the backache  and fatigue these days.  I have had a little bit of spotting but no real period.  Emotionally I have been up and down. I wake up and do my yoga and shower and find myself thinking I feel pretty good and looking forward to the day. By 3:00p I am starting to drag, by 6:00p I am longing for bed and at 8:00p I crawl into bed with my book feeling quite apathetic.  I have been extra busy these days, just one of those stretches filled with long to-do lists and many outside activities.  I try and get a little extra sleep but it just isn’t happening.

I have the illogical feeling that if I can muddle through to the end of the year that January will find me feeling much better physically and mentally.  I know this isn’t logical.   I wonder if it is just what I need to tell myself to get through this two and a half month long marathon holiday fest?

November 3rd:  Well I got my period and now I feel much better.  Just a normal period which was a relief (I was afraid it was going to be one of those that last 3 weeks).  My skin is oily these days with a few tiny bumps on my chin, not really seen but I can feel them.  Acne at my age and with all these crazy feelings makes total sense.  Why not add as much as possible to the pot of misery?

I did a really good job with exercising, yoga and meditation this month and despite all my hormonal craziness I feel like I survived with a modicum of grace.

I figured out that night sweats were causing my insomnia.  I was just getting warm, not really hot (maybe due to the cooler weather?) but it was enough to wake me up.

On the eating front I was pretty surprised to find that I held steady at 145lbs despite eating whatever I wanted.  (Until I stepped on the scale this morning but since it is now November we won’t go there, damn Halloween!)   I really do want to go low to moderately- low carb and I am thinking about the best way to do this in a way that can be permanent.  There needs to be some flexibility but also some firm rules.  (Does that make sense?)  I am going to read “Better Than Before” by Gretchen Ruben and I am also looking at ways to use my bullet journal to keep me on track.  The Goal is to have a plan/system in place for January 7th.  Fingers crossed.

So how would I sum up October?  I learned time isn’t my problem, energy is as regards getting things done and my mood.  This includes eating healthy which takes more energy than grabbing junk.  After my two weeks of bliss in August I also feel pretty confident that once I get into actual menopause life will be better.  Fingers still crossed.

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2018 Aspirations: September

I tried to write this post last week but it just wasn’t happening.  I had an unusually busy week and felt rather depressed.  Truth?  September was a sucky month, especially after how great I felt the second half of August.  I got a normal period in September and found myself back on the hormonal roller coaster.  It was devastating because I really thought I was entering the 12 month countdown to menopause.  Why did I think this?  Apparently I just really, really wanted it to be so.

With the advent of cooler temperatures I am regaining some perspective.  Getting into menopause is quite the marathon.

Be Healthier

Allergies started back up which  totally did not help anything.  My insomnia returned for a spell making life just that much harder.  For most of September I felt tired and foggy.

I have given up the low carb strategy for now.  I really think low carb is the long term answer for me and plan on getting back on the wagon either in January or once the hormones subside.  It has been the one eating strategy that really killed the mindless cravings and had me eating less.

Swimming ended for the season, my last swim was the 30th, much later than in the past. I have to say swimming really felt good this year and I am looking forward to an early start next year.  But I was more than ready to adopt an “autumn lifestyle” and return to walking, mostly on the treadmill as I waited for cooler temps.  I have found a mix that works well for my treadmill walks: 20 minutes reading, 20 minutes playing a game of Scrabble against the computer and 20 minutes of doing a virtual walk through autumn scenery.

I am ignoring the scale for now.  Not sure how this is going to work but I am eating pretty much whatever I want.  I got tired of all the stress and guilt.  I know why I want pumpkin everything: to give myself the delusion of autumn.  This is the hardest time of year for me, I am seriously craving cool weather and sweaters and long pants and pretty leaves.  Well I can’t have those for a few more months but I can have pumpkin chili and pumpkin muffins and color pictures with autumn leaves.  So far all my clothes still fit so I will stick with making autumn happen the only ways I can.

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Be Happier

I switched from bowling on Thursday nights to Tuesday mornings and it is working out really well.  Two person teams so the bowling goes quickly and then I run to the commissary and shop for just one week at a time.  When I get home I usually feel rather wiped out and I take a break and watch “The Halloween Baking Championship”.

I finished my writing class and am now working on my story outline.  I really learned a lot and will sign up for a second class in January  which I am already looking forward to.

Meditation.  I must admit I think it is making a difference.  I am more aware of what I am thinking and feeling and getting better at stopping and asking why I am thinking/feeling something.  And that helps.  My new mantra is “if that is the worst thing that happens to me today my life is pretty good”.  Really helps to keep things in perspective (yes I am talking about you after school car line chaos).

Sometimes I feel like I have made so little progress this year but then I think about the many aha moments I have experienced and see all the data I am collecting.  I am looking forward to sitting down and writing my findings out for myself.

The biggest thing I have found is hope.  I know once I actually get into menopause I will feel so much better physically and that will spill over into feeling better mentally.  The scariest thing is learning that I could have to continue living with this misery for several more years.  Yes, years more of sleeplessness, uncontrollable eating, weeping at everything, ballooning breasts, brain fog and apathy.  And now I wonder if I should look into hormonal therapy.  I keep telling myself just see what happens next month and I have a few good weeks like in August and think, phew I made it but then the next month comes and I feel like crap again.

It is a tough decision and one that I know only I can make.  I am at the point where I feel like I need to see the doctor and get more information and mull that over for awhile, secretly hoping all the time that I will just go into menopause and be relieved from making the decision.  My biggest worry with hormone therapy is that any relief I find from current symptoms will be offset by different side effects.  But I won’t know until I try.  What is a grown woman to do?  That is the question.

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Autumn leaves from a past camping trip, this picture makes me happy!

My Birthday

Yes I still enjoy celebrating my birthday, even after so many!  I am now the grand age of 52!  Last week we kind of had a three day celebration.

Day One

It all started with bowling a new scratch high series in my Tuesday morning league, a 555!  Anytime I break 500 I am really happy.

Then I stopped at Trader Joe’s and was happily surprised to find all the pumpkin goodness had arrived.  I tried to restrain myself but I find it best to buy some things early because chances are they will be gone the next time I go.  So hello pumpkin dog treats, pumpkin bagels, pumpkin oatmeal, spiced pumpkin seeds etc.  Many items won’t be opened until October, when I am ready for pumpkin in all things.

And then the first official part of my birthday….going to see the Cubs play the Diamond Backs in Phoenix.  Cubs won 9-1 and Baez got two more RBI’s to continue leading the National League!  I felt sort of bad for the D’backs because there were WAY MORE Cubs fans than D’back fans in the stands.

(I tried to take pictures with the camera on my phone and none of them turned out. I got this one off the web at stadiumjourney.com).

Chase-Field-Interior-1It is a cool stadium, different.  It has a retractable roof which is usually closed for the heat with the a/c on!

My son had my name up on the big board for the birthdays.  He didn’t say Happy Birthday Mom, but put in my full name (first and last) instead which I found rather  funny. I walked out of the stadium singing “Go Cubs Go” and didn’t even mind the long drive home.

Day 2

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My husband and son were both home today despite it being a Wednesday, which really made the week feel weird.

We woke to solid cloud cover and brief showers of rain that turned steady in the late afternoon.  With a high temp only in the 80’s, a good 20° cooler than it has been, it truly was a gift of a day.

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I helped my son bake my birthday cake, took a nap, listened to the rain and lit my vanilla pumpkin candle for the first time this season.

Day 3

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Now we get to my actual birthday (finally!).  I put new autumn themed sheets on my bed, did my writing class homework and enjoyed the lingering clouds. I ate 1/2 a pumpkin bagel for breakfast (and put the rest in the freezer!) and enjoyed a mug of hot pumpkin spice rooibos tea, first of the season.  And yes the a/c is still on and no it wasn’t nearly cold enough for hot tea but I did it anyway and I loved it.

IMG_8138The sun peeked out just as I was taking the photo creating cool shadows from the lace curtains.

I also colored a picture for my son to celebrate the first official day of autumn (22 September).  A few days ago he was cleaning up his room and found pictures I had colored for him in the past and asked why I hadn’t done any this school year.  Honestly I thought he might have out grown getting pictures from his Mom in his backpack and I didn’t want to embarrass him. Now I am happily looking for Halloween and Thanksgiving pictures to color!

My husband brought home Chicago Dogs from Luke’s Italian Beef for dinner and then I got to open presents and watch the Cleveland Browns finally win a football game.

IMG_8146My favorite present, this way cool Halloween spatula!

My life is an embarrassment of riches!

 

 

 

2018 Aspirations: August

Be Healthier

  1. I went low carb and lost five pounds the first week.  This is an eating habit I believe I can do long term.  I am going with 30g of net carbs while still trying to lose a few more pounds but after that I am thinking 50g net carb with the occasional meal off. Oddly enough the thing I miss most is fruit but I am not missing all the junk food.  For me I think I need to avoid carbs in general and not just sugar to beat the cravings.
  2. I am doing a great job of trying to meditate everyday, even if just for 10 minutes.  As for actually meditating successfully….hopefully in time.  I have been exploring Insight Timer and find it helps.  I have one timer set up that I do in the afternoons and have been trying different guided meditations in the morning or at bedtime.
  3. Feet to the fire.  Weight 141.8 lbs.  I swam 23 days in August and did yoga 23 days.  Not bad.
  4. On the menopausal front another crazy month.  No period but ferocious hot flashes continued the first half of the month before tapering in both intensity and frequency.  Then I started sleeping through the night and actually felt pretty good the rest of the month.  I certainly  had more energy and felt way less foggy.  Gives me hope for the future.

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Interesting clouds.

Be Happier

  1. I am so glad I signed up for an on-line writing class.  I am thrilled to be learning again!
  2. I changed from bowling Thursday nights to Tuesday mornings.  I think this schedule will suit me much better.
  3. I have finally found the rhythm to my days I have been searching for.  I no longer feel compelled to stick to a strict routine but plan one day at a time.  I am finding everything still gets done and many chores seem easier.  I am listening to my physical and mental needs and life is good.

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Autumn is nearing, I can feel it!

2018 Aspirations: July

I didn’t do an update post for June, nothing much happened that month.  We were on vacation the first 10 days and then there was the adjustment to school being out.  I did read “10% Happier” by Dan Harris and began to think about how I could use meditation to battle my sugar craving hormones.  July has been more productive.

Be Healthier

  1. I did a 10 day sugar detox which has helped me stop snacking.
  2. I am getting much better about eating all my CSA vegetables.  Chocolate beet cake counts, right? (Of course it was before the sugar detox!)
  3. I survived a 19 day period and a lot of hot flashes.  Combined with triple digit heat and humidity and insane hormonal swings (I cry at everything: The Cubs hit into a double play, tears.  Someone bakes a beautiful cake on the Great British Baking show, tears. It is nuts!) survival was something of a miracle.
  4. I am doing a good job of meditating and deep breathing every day.
  5. My frozen shoulder is being difficult.  I am still doing my PT almost everyday but I can tell when the hormones are surging because my range of motion decreases and I have more pain.

Be Happier

  1. We went camping for a week in the rainy mountains and I loved the cooler air.
  2. I deactivated my Facebook account.  It was a real time suck and didn’t make me feel particularly happy.
  3. I realized I want to spend less time on the computer, took a blogging break and decided to revamp my blog. (Still a work in progress)
  4. Signed up for an 8 week on-line writing course that starts fortuitously the day after school resumes for my son. I hope this makes me happier, right now the thought of it is making me anxious.  What if I fail?
  5. Embraced the fact that I like listening to the Cubs on the radio more than watching them on tv.  I do coloring and needlepoint or fix dinner while listening to the games on-line.
  6. I bought a new car but kept my beloved Saab.  We stumbled on a 2017 Subaru Crosstrek Limited with only 6k miles.  Buying it was kind of a no brainer. Icy Metallic Silver is the color, a perfect name in the desert heat.
  7. A bouquet of zinnia’s from the farmer’s market.  Such a wonderful variety of colors!  Sorry I didn’t take a picture.

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I haven’t taken many pictures of her yet, it has been way too hot!  Here she is on her first road trip to Willcox.

There you have it, July in a nutshell. I like to think I am a little healthier and a little happier.  Yeah me!