The Rock is Still Hard

When last we left our intrepid peri-menopausal heroine she was agonizing over whether to try HRT (hormone replacement therapy) or not. After further on-line research she decided to give it a try for six months, just to get through the summer…

And so I picked up my prescription took it one time and then got a call from the doctor’s office saying my blood work came back and the dosage was all wrong. Jeez. In June 2017 my FSH was 22.0. This time it was 6.7 which doesn’t make any sense at all. (FSH should be going up the closer you get to menopause.)

So a new appointment was made for the 2nd week of April (because the Doc has a medical conference to go to in March so that is the earliest available appointment). But I feel better because I know this appointment is really going to focus on HRT and all my concerns. I have all my notes about crazy periods and different symptoms and will remember to tell her that I am only looking for short term relief. I thought I would wait and write a follow up post after that visit.

Funny how the one thing you don’t worry about is always the thing that bites you in the ass. At my last appointment I got my pap smear and promptly forgot about it. (I suspect when I made the appointment the receptionist heard pap smear and didn’t hear the part about HRT and that is one reason the appointment went the way it did.) Anyway, last week I got a call saying there were endometrial cells in my pap test and they need to do a biopsy. Wait. What? What does this mean? Probably nothing good.

After the first flash of panic subsided I did some reading. It wasn’t overly helpful but it could explain some of my symptoms.

So now I wait. All thoughts of HRT are on hold while I see if I have endometrial cancer. And if the cells are benign could they still be causing some of my miseries?

I am worried that I am going to feel miserable all summer. That I won’t get to be the parent I want to be. I have all these fun ideas of things to do but if I am exhausted and crabby and impatient it ain’t going to happen. I am scared that during this horrible phase of my life I am going to permanently ruin the relationship between my son and I.

Right now I am scared of all the unknowns. All the uncertainty. I tell myself this is normal and to get back to my life as it is for now. The kitchen floor isn’t going to mop itself. This is a known fact so I might as well deal with that.

And so it goes, the see-sawing between panic and it’s probably no big deal. The hope that in two weeks I will have answers and hopefully solutions and get to have a decent summer after all. I can hope. ūüĆą

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

You probably don’t want to read this post. It is full of frustration and indecision and fear. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day or good mood so seriously, you don’t have to read this. But I have to write this. I have to get all this out of my head and throw it into the universe. I am secretly hoping by doing this that I will magically be shown the path I should take. So here goes.

I had my doctor’s appointment on Friday and I got what I wanted, hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Only now I am afraid to take it. Let me start with the doctor. I have seen her a few times but I don’t really feel comfortable with her. I can’t be positive but she looks like she has had plastic surgery (face lift kind) and something that plumps lips. And she has blonde hair that looks dyed. I feel like I am looking at a Barbie doll. I am not questioning her competency or intelligence but it made me uneasy looking at her.

Secondly the office was really crowded and she was running rather late (I thought) for a 10:00am appointment. Things felt rather rushed I realized later. She asked me about getting tested for the breast cancer gene, how I wanted the therapy delivered and we talked the cost of bio-identicals. Bam, Bam Bam.

When I climbed into bed Friday night I realized I had made a pretty big decision in a rushed and ill-informed manner. I panicked and then told myself it wasn’t set in stone.

We were very busy Saturday, lots of errands and by the time we got home I was exhausted. I laid down on the bed and started crying. The fact that I am in a lose-lose situation hit home. I suppose an important fact I should add here is that my mother died of breast cancer at the age of 33. There can be no doubt that colors how I think.

And now it is Sunday morning. Spouse and small child went up to Phoenix for the Nascar race so I have the whole day to myself. I am still in my jammies, still in bed with my name on a homemade blueberry muffin. (Just waiting to digest my thyroid meds, about 1 hour.)

So let’s run through some scenarios:

SCENARIO ONE: I get tested for the breast cancer gene, find I have it and decline HRT. Now I get to continue to feel miserable and hear the ticking time bomb ALL THE TIME.

SCENARIO TWO: I get tested, don’t have it and take HRT. I feel better but still worry because frankly it seems like nothing conclusive has been discovered about HRT and cancer without the gene.

SCENARIO THREE: I don’t get tested and take the HRT. Will I still feel better? Or will all the worry about probably triggering cancer cells (if I have them) cancel that out?

SCENARIO FOUR: I don’t get tested and I don’t take HRT leaving me right where I am now. All I can do is hope that once menopause kicks in I feel better. Let’s say that takes another 2 1/2 years at most. (I’ll be 55 then, surely I will be in menopause?!) I have already survived 2 1/2 years of this craziness. My biggest fear is that the mood swings and irregular periods and hot flashes are going to get so much worse before subsiding. That is what triggered looking for help in the first place. I am afraid I am going to get worse and have the summer from hell. Life is too short to lose a whole summer if you don’t have to.

SCENARIO FIVE: I accept the crazy situation and move to a one room cabin (two with the bathroom) up in the mountains on a lake. I walk around the lake and do a photography project where I take a picture of the same tree everyday and document the changes until I am done with this phase of life. There are no inconveniences and keeping warm with just a woodstove is a piece of cake. I eat healthy by default only shopping at farmer’s markets and local places. I sleep when I am tired and hardly ever have to clean as it is just me. Okay, this isn’t a viable scenario but it is in my head so I am putting it out there.

And then there is the as yet unknown scenario. I think about how the anti-depressant made me so sick and wonder if I should try St. John’s Wort? Studies appear somewhat inconclusive but it is used a lot more in Europe. And yet I find myself hesitating. Has anyone out there used it? Can you share if it worked or not?

My biggest fear is what happens if I run out of hope? If have nothing left to try? I like to think I will be okay just soldiering on. If I continue the yoga and meditation and 10k steps I will survive one day at a time. And one day I will wake up and it will be like magic, my energy and enthusiasm and patience will be back.

For now I am holding tightly to that hope, it seems that is all I can do.

As for today, I will survive. Later I will get dressed and go to the library and pick up the copy of “Enchanted April” that I requested. A trip to Italy this afternoon seems to be just the thing. I have lots of happier posts to work on too and I figured out my next sketchbook idea which I am excited about. I will enjoy the peace and quiet and not having to cook. I’ll take a nap if I feel like it.

And now I wait patiently for the universe to send me my answer. Thank you for listening.

Two Months In

Honestly I am not sure where to start. At the end of January things were not going well, and not for lack of effort. I had to go to the doctor anyway (to renew my thyroid medication) so I talked about all my peri-menopausal symptoms and said (out loud) “I am ready for some drugs”. I was thinking hormone therapy, progesterone specifically, but my primary care doctor is against it. She recommended a mild-antidepressant shown to work on hot flashes and mood swings.

The idea of an anti-depressant left me, well, depressed. I have been thinking I just needed something to help until I get into full blown menopause. I know anti-depressants have been used in my circumstances but I was feeling pretty uneasy about this. And since I was overdue for my pap smear anyway I got a current referral for the GYN I used for my IUD and made an appointment. (For any male readers I know you have no idea what I just said, that is okay, just keep reading.) I was curious to see what she had to say because frankly she seems to have a completely different take on menopause than my primary care doc.

Unfortunately I couldn’t get a GYN appointment before the first week of March. In the meantime the antidepressants arrived in the mail and after doing a bit more research I decided to start taking them. The plan was to see how they made me feel and still get a second opinion from the GYN.

I took the pills for four days and thought I caught a stomach bug. I was nauseous and exhausted. I slept two hours Friday afternoon, eleven hours Friday night, another two hours Saturday afternoon. I wasn’t eating much, mostly crackers and ginger ale and when I did eat a scrambled egg and a piece of toast I felt sick again. I checked the side effects on the pills and stopped taking them.

Three days later I felt better physically but was still feeling quite unmotivated concerning life in general. Mid-February I got my period, another bad one. Crampy and heavy and not helpful in getting anything done. But it only lasted seven days which was nice for a change.

And then I had a good week where at least I was sleeping well and getting something of one sort or another done everyday. I loved the snow and was happy to get out in it. Focus was still a problem though.

And here it is the end of February and I feel like a yo-yo. The last few nights have been broken sleep but yesterday I got a nice amount of pesky tasks done and that made me feel good. And today I feel….okay? But sort of ready for a nap. And my breasts hurt.

One more week until my doctor’s appointment. Every few days I find myself googling “what symptoms progesterone relieves” and every time I find myself nodding my head and reminding myself to ask for the bio-identicals. My thought is if it is something my body used to produce then there shouldn’t be any yucky side effects. And I don’t care if that thinking is wrong, I am going with it. Do not even think about trying to set me straight!

Why yes I am feeling a little prickly these days.

So now you get to wait along with me to see what happens next in the journey to menopause saga. I am pretty sure we are due for a happy upturn in the plot. Stay tuned.

The Good, the Bad and the Not Too Ugly

The Good

I decided my son really needed to start helping more around the house. We have tried out different chores, all met with complaining and avoidance. Because I am struggling to get through the evenings these days I decided he needed to do the dinner dishes. Period. No arguing allowed. And guess what? He actually likes doing the dinner dishes! And he does a really good job. Go figure.

The Bad

Because the moving gracefully into menopause thing isn’t happening I have decided I want to try hormone replacement. Since before Christmas it has been very hard to get a lot done. Even things I want to do I find it hard to find the energy and interest for. I went and saw my primary doctor but she wants me to see a GYN and I couldn’t get an appointment until the first week of March. I tell myself it’s just four weeks, but it sort of feels like forever.

Before

The Not Too Ugly

My wonderful dog Sherlock is 14 1/2 years old and pretty spry and rather deaf. I decided last year that spending all those hours at the groomer’s was getting to be a bit much for him. So I tried a mobile pet groomer and it seemed to go okay. But when she came back before Christmas he wouldn’t go with her. He actually growled at her, something I have never seen him do before. So he didn’t get bathed or clipped.

And now it is February and he is crazy stinky and shaggy. It didn’t help that he fell in the pool two weeks ago.

I am pretty sure the problem is with that one groomer and I thought about trying a different mobile groomer but felt uneasy. So I decided to try and do the job myself. Now we have given him numerous baths but I had never clipped him myself. So I did what every person does who wants to learn something these days: I watched a few YouTube videos.

And then I took him to Dirty Dawgz, a great self-service dog washing place. The owner was crazy helpful. She helped me figure out what blade to use, made sure I knew how to do it and when she wasn’t busy came over and helped me do the more difficult areas.

My dog behaved wonderfully but it was still a very long process. After two hours we both had had enough. I forgot to do his tail and he wouldn’t let me do his feet but he is a lot less furry and he can see again. (I am going to try and trim him up a bit more with scissors this weekend).

I would totally do this again but I would take my spouse next time. It was too hard trying to keep Sherlock standing with one hand under his belly and only having one hand to do the clipping. And hopefully he would be less furry next time, he has a very thick coat that took multiple passes with the clippers. Because he has to be completely dry to clip I would also think about bathing him one day and clipping him the next. It took forever to dry him because of all that thick fur and I had to get him dry all the way through.

Both Sherlock and I are pretty happy, he was all frisky when I brought him home, obviously happy to be able to see again. (Though he completely crashed out the next day!) And I was thrilled that I wanted to pet and cuddle him again. That was some good bonding time with the grooming too, lots of chatting and nose kisses.

After

So there you have it, the good, the bad and the cutie pie!

Two Weeks In

Two weeks into the low carb way of eating and how I do love thee? I am not sure. I was shocked at how good I felt emotionally, even with my impending period at the end of the first week. I was starting to sleep better and slightly more energetic. And then week two smacked me right down with something; part head cold, part just plain tired and achy. The addition of a heavy period was not helpful. (Something is going around this area big time, it’s not just me feeling sick.)

I was tempted to put low carb aside for a few days. I really wanted orange juice and saltines, two foods I don’t normally crave. Instead I made soup and tried to nap once in awhile. It was a very long week though.

Now I am just going to share a few things I have learned:

  1. I do not like anything with Sucralose in it. I was all excited to find so many flavors of Quest bars and then when I got home I realized many of them had Sucralose. I am still on the fence about Stevia, I mostly avoid that too. I bought some erythritol (a sugar alcohol) and having been using that the few times I need a sweetener.
  2. You would think almond flour would be almond flour and net carbs would be the same regardless of brand. Apparently not. I found a great low carb pancake recipe (and they do taste yummy) but there was a lot of debate about the amount of carbs in them. So I started looking at the carb count of different almond flours and Trader Joe’s wins. Bob’s Red Mill almond flour (not meal) has 4g of net carbs per two tablespoons while Trader Joe’s brand has only 1g. I checked the ingredient lists and both just have blanched almonds. It is a puzzler.
  3. Mashed cauliflower tastes/feels (in your mouth) nothing like mashed potatoes. But cauliflower rice passes the pretend test for me.
  4. Eating out is not as hard as I thought it would be. But I do feel sad about french fries.
  5. Fat bombs are disgusting. I now avoid any recipe that calls for more than a tablespoon or two of coconut oil.
  6. Frank’s Hot Sauce (not the Wing sauce) is the bomb! I put it on eggs, in soups and of course on chicken. Perks everything up. For my cold I made chicken soup with homemade chicken broth from the freezer, cooked chicken from Trader Joe’s, grated zucchini and riced cauliflower. I threw in a handful of spices and a few good splashes of Frank’s, just what my sinuses needed and maybe 3g net carbs for a big bowl of soup.
  7. Keto bread isn’t bad, tastes okay just have to get used to a slightly different texture. (Photo is above.)

And now we are in week three. Part of me is ready to give in but I know it is just fatigue from my cold and an overly long period. Dinner is planned: grilled chicken, cauliflower rice and salad. And maybe I will treat myself to an apple. It seems silly to give up apples. Maybe I can do 30g of net carbs plus one apple a day? My life, my rules and I need to do what works for me, not live by a somewhat arbitrary number. We’ll see what happens.

Almond,¬†hazelnut¬†shortbread¬†cookie.¬†¬†2g¬†net¬†carbs¬†apiece.¬†(I over¬†baked¬†these¬†a¬†little,¬†oops.¬†Thinking¬†I may¬†sub¬†a¬†little¬†cocoa¬†powder¬†next¬†time,¬†doesn’t¬†that¬†sound¬†yummy!)

2018 Summary + 2019 Plans

I am always a bit behind the rest of the world at the start of the year as we celebrate through Epiphany which is the 6th of January. So as I write this on the 9th my house is in transition from Christmas to winter with half filled totes and piles of decorations scattered throughout. I have “officially” started on my 2019 goals this week which means I need to finish with 2018!

2018

My aspirations of 2018 were simple: be healthier and be happier. Since I had such vague goals I had vague results. But I do feel like I learned a lot and made progress. Habits I am keeping include meditation, taking calcium, psyllium husk and melatonin and going low carb.

I feel like most of my unhappiness is directly related to sleep and energy issues. Due to impending menopause I only have so much control (if any!) over these two areas. The melatonin and calcium do help with sleep and hot flashes.

Last August I tried my hand at eating low carb and was amazed at how good I felt. Now it may have been a hormonally timed fluke but I don’t think so. So as of 7 January I am going low carb for as long as I can handle it. Even if I don’t get a repeat of the ‘miracle in August’ everything I have read points to low carb being a much healthier way of eating with lots of benefits.

2019

For 2019 I suppose my goals remain the same, be healthier and be happier. Low carb will handle the healthier part. Be happier has more pieces.

  • This year I have made a list in my Bullet Journal: “What do I want my life to look like 1 Dec 2019?”
    • Be writing on a regular basis
    • Get my son’s room de-cluttered and redone (paint, new furniture that works better, area rug)
    • Feel content with my current life
    • De-clutter the garage
    • Have more energy (this is where the low carb comes in)
    • Do more things that make me happy and fewer things that make me unhappy

I have steps and timelines and plans on how to achieve my goals this year. I’ll start with small, steady steps. I have promised myself to reevaluate on a regular basis (which I find myself already doing!) and be open to making changes as I decide what is working and what isn’t. And I will not let myself get totally derailed by a bad day or two.

I can’t forget that just because I want to feel better and do more means that I will magically be done with the insanity of getting to menopause.

  • Another list: “What to do when I am feeling unbearably, hormonally crabby or crappy?”
    • take a nap
    • watch a comedy
    • meditate
    • stare out the window
    • whatever I damn well feel like doing!

I guess that about sums things up. Up next, my word for the year!

One of my last non-low carb meals, oatmeal on a cold morning!

2018 Aspirations: December

I wasn’t going to do a summary blog for this month.  I was thinking a ‘what I learned’ summation for the year as a whole in January would suffice.

But halfway through the month I have changed  my mind.  I am a woman so I can do that.  I wish I could say a menopausal woman but alas…

December 12th:  It has been a very unhappy start to the month.  My insomnia has gotten out of control.  After a complete meltdown concerning my son not doing a task by a set deadline I realized I needed to solve the sleep problem.   And if I couldn’t figure out how to get more sleep then I needed to make arrangements to slink off to a deserted mountain cabin until such time I could be civil to people again.

 My current insomnia type is the wake in the middle of the night variety.  I am pretty sure this is being caused by a mild hot flash.  The problem was, once awake I couldn’t get back to sleep anytime soon.  For a few nights I got up and wrapped Christmas presents which was actually kind of nice.  Very peaceful.

But then the sleep deprivation began to build and that led to pure misery.  Waking at 3:00a.m. meant it was too late to take something to help me get back to sleep.  I wanted to just start going to bed at 6:00p.m. but that doesn’t work for so many reasons.

Enter melatonin.  Of course I had heard of it but I didn’t realize I could take it long term and at a higher dosage.  Not only does it help you fall asleep but it helps you stay asleep and sleep deeper.  So I got a bottle of the 10mg dosage and started popping a pill at bedtime.  The first night I still woke up (twice I think) but I fell back asleep pretty quickly. Phew.

January 2: It was a pretty unhappy ending to the month with a few days in the middle that were bearable. Actually those days were around the 21st through Christmas. For most of the month I felt really tired, even when I did sleep and apathetic about pretty much everything, including celebrating the holidays. I muddled through in a most unsatisfactory way.

I had a fairly heavy period again in the middle of the month. Luckily the worst was over before our trip to Flagstaff. (the picture is of me attempting to tame a dinosaur at a park in Flagstaff) ūüôā I realized that the bad days are now out numbering the good and it is time to make some changes. Stay Tuned.

Nice Dinosaur

2018 Aspirations: November

(December 3rd) Here is a summary of November. ¬†I am sure I should go back and edit but I am not going to. ¬†I am too tired and Christmas is coming and there is so much to do. ¬†How do you even have time to read this blog? ¬†Aren’t you busy, busy, busy too? ¬†Anyway, without further ado…

November 9th:  So remember my spontaneous trip to Mesa to buy a typewriter?  That was triggered by a severe bout of insomnia.  After several short sleep nights I was feeling pretty miserable and I found myself awake at 1:00a feeling a frantic need for sleep. Not very helpful and I started crying.  I felt like I was at the end of my rope.  I did get back to sleep eventually but in the morning I decided I needed to do something different.  Something a little crazy and something just for me.  So I went to Mesa and bought a typewriter.  And what do you know, I felt better and I slept great that night.

November 14th:¬† I am so happy with this cool weather. ¬†I am sleeping better again but still feel tired. ¬†And I am weepy at random times about odd things. ¬†The clutter in the house is driving me a bit nuts and the lack of energy is killing me. ¬†I badly want to give the house the good cleaning it needs but just don’t have the oomph needed. ¬†Instead I try and do small tasks here and there. ¬†Today I cleared out and rearranged the glass/mug cupboard. ¬†A small thing that took 10 minutes but brings me a lot of joy seeing how I open that cupboard multiple times a day!

November 19th:¬† Insomnia is back. ¬†I can’t get to sleep and hot flashes wake me up early. ¬†Also getting leg/foot cramps again. ¬†I was caught off guard with how bad I feel. ¬†Seems the key to my goals of “Be Happier” and “Be Healthier” is sleep. ¬†And right now there is not much I can do to improve that.

November 21st:  Well my period started without much fanfare and then got crazy heavy for 24 hours.  So heavy it kind of scared me.  Luckily I spent most of the day at home doing food prep for Thanksgiving and some ibuprofen relieved my backache and cramps.  Happy to go to bed early though.

November 27th: ¬†I can’t believe it is almost the end of the month. ¬†I survived my period and now am oscillating between euphoria and exhaustion. ¬†Yikes! ¬†

I realized I haven’t mention my “frozen shoulder” in awhile. ¬†I am still doing my home physical therapy and I am not having any pain. ¬†I still don’t have the full range of motion back but it is increasing. ¬†I am hoping I only need to do the exercises another month or two. (Ha! ¬†I can hope all I want but truly I have no idea how much longer it will take.)

November 29th:  It is almost the end of the month!  How did that happen? Since things are going to get crazy busy I thought maybe I should just finish the log today.  I am feeling uber tired but not quite sure why.  I am sleeping okay, not great, but good enough.  But I have a backache and my breasts are ballooning which makes no sense as I just had my period!  Part of me thinks it would be great to get another period soon and then probably be done for the year.  All this uncertainty about how I am going to feel and what I am going to be coping with on any given day is maddening.

On a postive note despite just eating and not thinking about it my weight is holding steady between 144 and 145.  What does this signify for the future? No idea, if you know, can you tell me?

So how to sum up November?  I haven’t gone completely off the deep end but I suspect I am close!

The In-Between Time

I always feel a little off balance this time of year.  Thanksgiving weekend is over but I am not ready to jump into Christmas.  I prefer to wait until 1  December to go all holiday.  

It is hard for me to let go of autumn, it is my favorite season.  I love the angle of the light and the smells and the leaves.  

Beautiful blue sky!

Christmas is a lot of work, a marathon of busyness.  I am already looking at what I can cut from the to-do list, scaling back the baking list and thinking about where I can trim back on the decorating.  I look at the calendar and make sure I schedule downtime, movie time, early bedtime.  

For this week I am deep breathing and sitting and contemplating.  I am focusing on how I want to feel over the next month, not what I want/need to accomplish.  I remind myself that I need to enjoy the process.  There is no sense in baking/wrapping/decorating if I am hating doing it.  I need to keep things manageable.  

I need to take care of myself.  You need to take care of yourself too.  Take some time this week to remember what is important to you.  And keep that in your thoughts as you shop, cook, wrap and decorate.

Happy last week of November everyone!                       

2018 Aspirations: October

As I write these posts each month I find that my current situation colors what I remember about the previous month.  I try and jot down a few notes about topics I want to address but my feelings tend to be lost to the nether regions of time.  So for this month I am going to try and write the post as the month goes on.

October 10th:  After such a poetic opening paragraph I now find myself drawing a blank! The weather has cooled down and we even got some rare October rain.  I can feel myself fighting to be happy, I want to be happy but my insomnia has returned and being tired all the time is a drag.

Physically my breasts are killing me by the end of the day.  I bought some bra extenders which help a little.  I have had a little spotting here and there and lots of weepy feelings over odd things.

All I want to do is cocoon at home with books and movies and pumpkin treats but the first week of October was filled with errands and simple chores that my heart wasn’t in. I struggled through and was happy to climb into bed with my book each night. I just started “Martha’s Vineyard, Isle of Dreams” ¬†by Susan Branch. ¬†I kind of hate her because she is living the life I want!

I did get my mammogram done and then promptly forgot all about it. ¬†I was surprised to get the results today, just the normal very dense tissue and lots of cysts report. Since I get a mammogram every year they have lots of comparison images so I feel good about the interpretation of the lumps. ¬†(My mother died of breast cancer at the age of 33 so I am extra vigilant but at this stage I think my odds are the same as everyone else’s for getting breast cancer.)

I have been thinking about getting my hair dyed. ¬†I have some “silver”, not too much but enough that I wonder if I would look younger without it. ¬†And then today the woman who cleans my bathrooms gave me the best compliment (totally out of the blue!), she said I look younger every time she sees me! ¬†We discussed the gray situation and I am still dithering but wow her comment really gave a nice boost to my ego.

October 17th:  The tedium and minutia of day to day life is killing me.  I barely have the energy to keep up with the basics like laundry and cooking.  My apathy is scaring me.  Why am I convinced it is so wrong to just sit for a spell and wait for this phase to pass?

Physically I feel like I am getting my period, bloated breasts, the need to eat junk when I am not the least bit hungry, weepiness, backache and low cramps. And let’s not forget a return of insomnia and leg/foot cramps. ¬†But not a speck of bleeding. ¬†I tell myself this is a good sign but what do I know?

October 26th:¬† Still feel like my body is trying to have a period, mostly with the backache ¬†and fatigue these days. ¬†I have had a little bit of spotting but no real period. ¬†Emotionally I have been up and down. I wake up and do my yoga and shower and find myself thinking I feel pretty good and looking forward to the day. By 3:00p I am starting to drag, by 6:00p I am longing for bed and at 8:00p I crawl into bed with my book feeling quite apathetic. ¬†I have been extra busy these days, just one of those stretches filled with long to-do lists and many outside activities. ¬†I try and get a little extra sleep but it just isn’t happening.

I have the illogical feeling that if I can muddle through to the end of the year that January will find me feeling much better physically and mentally. ¬†I know this isn’t logical. ¬† I wonder if it is just what I need to tell myself to get through this two and a half month long marathon holiday fest?

November 3rd:  Well I got my period and now I feel much better.  Just a normal period which was a relief (I was afraid it was going to be one of those that last 3 weeks).  My skin is oily these days with a few tiny bumps on my chin, not really seen but I can feel them.  Acne at my age and with all these crazy feelings makes total sense.  Why not add as much as possible to the pot of misery?

I did a really good job with exercising, yoga and meditation this month and despite all my hormonal craziness I feel like I survived with a modicum of grace.

I figured out that night sweats were causing my insomnia.  I was just getting warm, not really hot (maybe due to the cooler weather?) but it was enough to wake me up.

On the eating front I was pretty surprised to find that I held steady at 145lbs despite eating whatever I wanted. ¬†(Until I stepped on the scale this morning but since it is now November we won’t go there, damn Halloween!) ¬† I really do want to go low to moderately- low carb and I am thinking about the best way to do this in a way that can be permanent. ¬†There needs to be some flexibility but also some firm rules. ¬†(Does that make sense?) ¬†I am going to read “Better Than Before” by Gretchen Ruben and I am also looking at ways to use my bullet journal to keep me on track. ¬†The Goal is to have a plan/system in place for January 7th. ¬†Fingers crossed.

So how would I sum up October? ¬†I learned time isn’t my problem, energy is as regards getting things done and my mood. ¬†This includes eating healthy which takes more energy than grabbing junk. ¬†After my two weeks of bliss in August I also feel pretty confident that once I get into actual menopause life will be better. ¬†Fingers still crossed.

IMG_6654