Life Goes On

So I imagine you are wondering, what about guy number four?

He is still in the picture. We actually had a date. Actually three dates and are meeting again tomorrow for a hike. Yes, I went on an actual date. And surprisingly it was not terrifying. I was insanely nervous but Four was really kind and thoughtful and understanding.

We met to play mini golf which was actually a great choice. Something to do but we could still talk. On the 3rd hole (I think) I got a hole-in-one. Total miracle shot. And I beat him by one stroke overall which surprised us both. We checked the scores like three times. And then we sat and talked for about two hours.

Easy questions, hard questions but I could feel myself becoming more comfortable with him. A hug good-bye, nothing more.

And then we went for a hike and then we went bowling with the loser agreeing to buy lunch after. We didn’t set any ground rules and he beat me two of three games. But total pins? I won by two so kind of a tie. But I still bought lunch.

Turns out he is one of Santa’s elves and will be leaving for the North Pole after Thanksgiving until Christmas. Okay actually he is a supervisor for a subcontractor for the post office and is working up in Phoenix but I like my story better, even if he is too tall for an elf. 🧝‍♀️

I am sort of glad for the chance to catch my breath and think about exactly what I am doing here. He is a very nice person and I keep thinking he is too nice for me, which is an odd thought. I have been totally honest with him, he is aware of my current family situation and seems okay with making up the rules as we go. I am taking things one day at a time, which I have also told him.

Obviously this is the start of a new chapter in my life and I feel like I need to really think things through. So I will attempt to do so. Please stay tuned.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Patience

“With patience comes choice and with choice comes power.”

Another quote from Louise Penny”s “All the Devils are Here”

And the patience and perseverance have paid off. I have picked up the pieces of my life again.


Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend and then to Trader Joe’s. We all know I love me some Trader Joe’s. I bought a few snacks for football this weekend, stocked the freezer with a few ‘I don’t feel like cooking meals’ and the milk that was my justification for stopping there in the first place.
And on the drive home I cranked up the radio and found myself smiling for no real reason at all.

Here is my haunted house from Trader Joe’s. My son didn’t want to decorate it so I did! And yes I am totally getting the little turkey’s this year and using them as place cards.


Yes the yoga and meditation and walking have helped. And my word for the year “Embrace Today”. Funny how you pick a word (or two) at the beginning of the year and it really resonates at some point. I was finally able to shut up the voice in my head that kept imagining what I would say to M* if he ever tried to contact me:

There was the icy stare or cold silence option.
The puzzled “who is this” question?
The breezy “hey (cause you never meant anything to me at all) how’s it going” in a cheery voice.
The neutrally voiced “why are you talking to me, we are not friends,” statement of fact.

Once I started focusing on just today the voices in my head retreated. I wake up and think about what do I want to do TODAY? I typically pick one household type chore and then see what else appeals to me. And I do it.

It is a relief to climb into bed at night and feel good about the day and not dread tomorrow. It is good to stop the endless loop of the past and rumination on the future. To be back in the present moment. To sleep through the night again.

My gut is telling me this is a time for waiting. Change is coming but I need to be patient. Not one of my strong suits but the need to pause and be still is very strong at the moment. I need to heed it while at the same time living my life as it is right now. I can do this!

Lovely fall color in my Susan Branch bird vase.

Anthems

I am not a huge music person. I listen sometimes and like a variety of genres. But I seldom know titles or group names or lyrics.

As luck would have it one day I heard two songs in a row that I had never heard before on one of the SiriusXM stations. And those have become my temporary theme songs. I feel better every time I try to sing along. 😎

“Lover, Lover” by Jerrod Niemann

And I love this one:

Seriously? Seriously.

I cannot make this stuff up. In an ill-thought out plan to distract myself from a certain someone I signed up on Bumble, a weird (to me anyway) dating and friend finding app.

Not really understanding what I was doing I swiped away, looking at pictures and reading profiles. I picked a very few possibles and said hello and waited to see what happened.

I had one conversation (I don’t know what else to call it, sending messages back and forth) with a guy that I figured out right away was not a good fit. I politely told him so and hopefully he is okay with that.

And then last night I got a hello from someone I don’t even remember as an option. But he was kinda sexy looking and said he liked to cook so I asked him what he made for dinner and then I went to bed.

My insomnia is once again raging away and at 0030 I found myself awake and staring at the ceiling. After awhile I got up and checked my Bumble account and there was a reply and a question which I answered and sent him another question and he replied right away. Turns out we were both up when we would rather be asleep. We had a nice conversation. He was polite and literate and when we said good night we agreed we would talk again today.

And I got up this morning and….he had deleted his account. And I have not been able to stop laughing about it. 😂 Seriously? Seriously. What else is a girl to do?

I can’t see the forest for the trees. 🙄

So I do believe it is time to retreat from the world once again. I can’t go off-line forever but I like the idea of going computer free for a few days at a time. Really give my brain a break.

Anyone have some good songs to listen to during this insane period of my life? My favorite movie right now is “Waiting to Exhale”. Male bashing at it’s best! I will be on my third viewing later today.

What is going on with this year?

So I know I disappeared for quite awhile. I was working for the Census and when I finished (thought I finished anyway) I retreated from the world. It was hot and annoying and I swam and read and did my yoga and meditated. I ignored the outside world as much as possible. And truly, I was feeling pretty good. Sleeping through the night, content with my projects, doing a lot of healthy swimming.

And then I got a third phone call asking me to work for the Census for the last phase. I had already said no several times but M* would not give up. I had done some work for him during the second phase, loaned to him because the Subaru could tackle Summerhaven and Reddington Pass.

Against my better judgement I agreed. Here is the thing, out of nowhere I had felt this little spark for a guy I had never even met. We had talked on the phone a few times (just work stuff) so I ignored the spark. It didn’t make sense.

And then I agreed to work for him and we met in person. And yes there was a little chemistry, which I continued to ignore. It still didn’t make any sense and I wasn’t looking for anything.

And then he started flirting with me. And me, being completely clueless didn’t even pick up on it right away. I had to ask a friend, is this flirting? Yup, it was. And we became friends. Just friends but there was a lot of chemistry between us. We talked about becoming friendlier but I wasn’t ready and he wasn’t in a good spot. We talked a little about the future but there wasn’t any rush.

And then he sent me an email and said he didn’t want to be friends anymore, not to contact him and he was sorry he “disrupted my life”. And that is the end of that.

Of course being a female I am finding it impossible to figure out exactly how I feel about all this. It is a rollercoaster of feeling incredibly stupid for not recognizing him for the asshole he obviously is, hurt and rejected, baffled by what game he was playing and furious because I had finally gotten to a good place and that is gone. For now.

Mostly I am pissed that I keep thinking about him because I damn well know he isn’t thinking about me. But each day gets a little easier. I resume more of my old tasks and think about him less. I find watching “NCIS” the one distraction I can count on. I signed up for another writing class in November.

Life goes on. And I have to believe that karma will give him the payback that he deserves at some point. In the meantime I am thinking all these feelings may help with my writing. A silver lining somewhere, right?

Listen

 
I disappear into the woods
Into Solitude
Into Silence
 
I need to
Soothe my Battered and Bruised heart
 
I step Warily
Gingerly
Long pauses
 
I listen
 
The Crackle of dry pine needles
The Clunk of a rock
The Crunch of a pinecone
 
I hesitate, listen harder
The wind tickles the aspens
Creating a smattering of applause
 
The wind dies
And then I hear it
The Tears pouring from my Heart.
 

“All the Devils are Here”

So often I find quotes in Louise Penny’s novels that perfectly fit a moment in my life.

“What are you going to focus on? What’s unfair or all the wonderful things that happen? Both are true, both are real. Both need to be accepted. But which carries more weight with you? The terrible or the wonderful? The goodness or the cruelty? Your life will be decided by that choice.”

Your Mistake

No phones, No clocks
Just you, me, a bed
Soon, no clothes
 
I unbutton your shirt,
Run my fingernails lightly
Across your chest
 
A trail of tiny kisses
From nipple to nipple
A flick of the tongue 
 
You thrust your hands 
Into my hair
A small groan escapes
 
I feel you stiffen against my leg
As liquid heat floods
My center
 
I moan and reach greedily
For your mouth with mine
 
All imagination of course
You flirt, you tease
But don’t touch
 
I rollercoaster between 
hope
frustration
need
want
resignation
despair
 
And then I give up
Walk away
Relieved the torment is over
 
Yet cry myself to sleep

Census Day

April 1st is National Census Day – no foolin’!

The census is important. Being counted means your state is properly represented in the House of Representatives. Being counted also helps your state get its fair share of federal funds.

As we know getting a really accurate count this year is going to be a challenge but it will be done. It is required by law and was even done in 1920 despite the havoc wrought by the Spanish Flu.

And now we have technology on our side. Even if you haven’t gotten any mail from the census yet (there may have been a problem with your mailing address) or you lost it or tossed it away, you can still go on-line or call and provide your information. Personally I didn’t find the questions overly intrusive or too time consuming, though the more people you have residing in your home the longer it will take.

The census doesn’t share specific information with anyone. Not the IRS, not immigration, not even the President. Very, very few people will see your name linked with your data. Statistics are what the census bureau creates.

You can do the census at anytime, you don’t have to wait until the First of April. So please, go to https://2020census.gov/?cid=20002:%2Bcensus:sem.ga:p:dm:en:&utm_source=sem.ga&utm_medium=p&utm_campaign=dm:en&utm_content=20002&utm_term=%2Bcensus

Feel free to pass this blog post or website on. The more people that respond the better it is for your state. BE COUNTED.

Hey There

UPDATE:

3/18 2:00P MOUNTAIN TIME

Just got the word, Census is shut down until further notice. Sigh. *********************************************************************

I just wanted to say I won’t be around much for the next 3 weeks as I am working for the census once again. My job has been modified slightly so I don’t have any contact with people. (We are leaving questionnaires on doors in areas where there is an issue with the mailing addresses.)

I confess I haven’t paid much attention to what is going on with the virus until recently. I was bummed when they cancelled basketball but still unconcerned. I was shocked to discover empty shelves at the commissary. But when they closed the libraries? That really brought it home.

I find it ironic that me, the stay at home girl, is now out and about while everyone else hunkers down. But it is just a few weeks.

How appropriate is this? I started coloring it before things got crazy.