I tried to write this post last week but it just wasn’t happening. I had an unusually busy week and felt rather depressed. Truth? September was a sucky month, especially after how great I felt the second half of August. I got a normal period in September and found myself back on the hormonal roller coaster. It was devastating because I really thought I was entering the 12 month countdown to menopause. Why did I think this? Apparently I just really, really wanted it to be so.
With the advent of cooler temperatures I am regaining some perspective. Getting into menopause is quite the marathon.
Allergies started back up which totally did not help anything. My insomnia returned for a spell making life just that much harder. For most of September I felt tired and foggy.
I have given up the low carb strategy for now. I really think low carb is the long term answer for me and plan on getting back on the wagon either in January or once the hormones subside. It has been the one eating strategy that really killed the mindless cravings and had me eating less.
Swimming ended for the season, my last swim was the 30th, much later than in the past. I have to say swimming really felt good this year and I am looking forward to an early start next year. But I was more than ready to adopt an “autumn lifestyle” and return to walking, mostly on the treadmill as I waited for cooler temps. I have found a mix that works well for my treadmill walks: 20 minutes reading, 20 minutes playing a game of Scrabble against the computer and 20 minutes of doing a virtual walk through autumn scenery.
I am ignoring the scale for now. Not sure how this is going to work but I am eating pretty much whatever I want. I got tired of all the stress and guilt. I know why I want pumpkin everything: to give myself the delusion of autumn. This is the hardest time of year for me, I am seriously craving cool weather and sweaters and long pants and pretty leaves. Well I can’t have those for a few more months but I can have pumpkin chili and pumpkin muffins and color pictures with autumn leaves. So far all my clothes still fit so I will stick with making autumn happen the only ways I can.
I switched from bowling on Thursday nights to Tuesday mornings and it is working out really well. Two person teams so the bowling goes quickly and then I run to the commissary and shop for just one week at a time. When I get home I usually feel rather wiped out and I take a break and watch “The Halloween Baking Championship”.
I finished my writing class and am now working on my story outline. I really learned a lot and will sign up for a second class in January which I am already looking forward to.
Meditation. I must admit I think it is making a difference. I am more aware of what I am thinking and feeling and getting better at stopping and asking why I am thinking/feeling something. And that helps. My new mantra is “if that is the worst thing that happens to me today my life is pretty good”. Really helps to keep things in perspective (yes I am talking about you after school car line chaos).
Sometimes I feel like I have made so little progress this year but then I think about the many aha moments I have experienced and see all the data I am collecting. I am looking forward to sitting down and writing my findings out for myself.
The biggest thing I have found is hope. I know once I actually get into menopause I will feel so much better physically and that will spill over into feeling better mentally. The scariest thing is learning that I could have to continue living with this misery for several more years. Yes, years more of sleeplessness, uncontrollable eating, weeping at everything, ballooning breasts, brain fog and apathy. And now I wonder if I should look into hormonal therapy. I keep telling myself just see what happens next month and I have a few good weeks like in August and think, phew I made it but then the next month comes and I feel like crap again.
It is a tough decision and one that I know only I can make. I am at the point where I feel like I need to see the doctor and get more information and mull that over for awhile, secretly hoping all the time that I will just go into menopause and be relieved from making the decision. My biggest worry with hormone therapy is that any relief I find from current symptoms will be offset by different side effects. But I won’t know until I try. What is a grown woman to do? That is the question.